Not (Yet) A Runner's post recently about people making jokes about how to avoid calories in food (Eating off of others plates, standing up etc etc), had me thinking today about food in general.
I have a complete body dysmorphic disorder. While I don't see a therapist or anthing, I meet all the criteria. I am a very normal sized woman, maybe even a bit on the smaller side, but yet, I see myself as enormous beyond belief. I often have to return clothing because I buy it a few sizes too big. I have accepted this year that I do indeed fit an XS shirt, and that this is a fine thing, I should not ask for a large for the running races because I can't wear it in public, except as a dress.
I'm sure this has something to do with Childhood and also alot to do with the fact that for a few years there, I was on the chubby side of things. But whatever the reason, I have it. So…I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about food, my appearance and the relationship between the two.
This year is the first year I've really been able to eat enough food, and eat healthy foods…mostly thanks to my trainer (Last day with him today, but more on him later). I feel strong. I feel good. I look good. It's great.
I never understand how people will try to desperately either undermine me, or seek to control me in relation to food.
One set of people are always goading me to eat cookies, cupcakes, french fries. They are the set that are always "On a diet" but "Just can not resist that piece of chocolate, it was calling me"! It's true, occasionally, chocolate can have a powerful hypnotic effect on people, but not every day. When I hear them say this I steadfastly think this: "I just couldn't help myself….I couldn't eat that cupcake because having a nice strong body feels so good" Most of the time it works out well. The trick is to never ever say this in public, as it is highly offensive to the goading crowd!!!
The second set of people are what I consider the "diet police" They are generally new to being on a diet themselves and want proof that it works (voila, moi…proof that it works.). They panic for me when they see me decide to eat a piece of birthday cake, or a cookie. They act aghast and tell me seriously, "OMG you are going to gain all your weight back.." It makes it difficult to actually enjoy the indulgence, so I usually just sort of sulk off to a corner, or desperately try ot explain that one slice of cake can not undermine an entire diet.
This summer I want to lose about 15 pounds, not so much for appearances, but actually so I can get faster. I imagine havybeaks might be able to do some sort of calculation of for each pound lsot, how much faster Katie could run….
I can't do the calculation, but I know that dumping this weight will indeed improve my times, even if I do no better training than what I am doing now…
So we'll see. I'm moving in a few weeks. I wonder if I will be working with enablers, or restrictors?