what a mess

Sorry no photos for this one….

Everything lately has been so messy.
I am not running.  I can't run.  I have some trouble walking without pain.  I need to go back to the Podiatrist, but, I am not very hopeful that they can fix anything without the surgery they suggest.  I can't take 8 weeks off to recover.  and the risk of them removing and re-attaching the achilles tendon to me seems frightening.
So, I am dealing with the fact that I am not a runner.  It's so so weird.  I make most of my friends through running.  Running has shaped my day for years.  It's shaped my vacation plans, my diet, my reading….etc. 
I'm a little confused now as to what to focus on.  Talking to some people over at the gym seems to be helping.  They are the only people who get how oddly distressing and strange this is for me.  Everyone else can't quite get it.  It's going to take me some time to figure out how to rearrange things and such.
So thats pretty messed up.  
I keep hoping that one day I'll just wake up and the pain will go away.  BUt it is a really horrible pain, I can not ignore it away, and I have been pretty good at ignoring lots of other bad pains, the partially torn achilles, the stress fractures…
Ah well.   So I am moving into what it means to be a non runner, so far, it's pretty boring.  
The work situation has become even more messy.  I have not heard from the boss over at the other hospital.  Wild rumors have been spreading that I am leaving, and I would dearly love to leave, but indeed, there is no offer on the table yet.  One of the charge nurses has taken to giving me horrible assignments each day I work with her as punishment.  It is a bit unpleasant.  I tried to call human resources at the hospital today but they are completely unreachable.  I left a message.  I filled out a complete application for the hospital I interviewed at a few weeks ago, but nothing yet.  I am debating filling out for another hospital.  It's the hospital that treated Tiger Woods in his last debacle.  (They didn't say it was that hospital, but they showed the hospital, and it has a distinct appearance, so I am sure thats it.)  Or I could try to transfer to another hospital within the FL Hosp system.  the kicker there is that they only have 11a-11p  or 12-12 or night positions.  THis seems a little yuck to me, but…Since I am no longer a runner…it might not be so bad.  but really I have never liked any shift except days.
and I dont want to add more mess…..
At any rate.
I feel like I have pretty much lost all control.  I can't run, I can't seem to switch jobs.  People are treating me as if I was already gone…
So I feel a little like:
I know there are many things that make up a person, but the two biggest things for me, the job and the running, are messed up so I feel very messed up.
I hope by tuesday I can get in touch with the right human resource person at the hospital.  I hope whatever the decision is that I can accept it either way. I hope that I get over the running and find some other way to not be fat.  And I hope that the feeling of hazy mess clears up really really soon.  
Because you know that Mr Messy is not so adorable.
and I want to be adorable.

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4 thoughts on “what a mess

  1. Good thing I just posted the maple bar recipe. Seriously, on the running thing…my sister had a foot problem and couldn't run for six weeks. It was really hard for her because she has run every morning for decades. She did other workouts to compensate and as soon as she got the ok from her dr. she was back running. I hope you are, too. It's hard to give up something that defines you.

  2. Hope you get better soon and are able to get back to your running. Will pray for you. Hope also that you hear positive news from the hospital you have applied to. Wish you all the best on both fronts!

  3. Don't give up completely on running just yet… take some time off… a few weeks or even a few months or longer if you need to.
    Yes, regaining all the fitness you've lost after time away will be hard. But don't give up. If you can walk, you can run.
    Think about why you may have become injured in the first place. Try cross-training. Catch up on things you've neglected. Reassess your life and anything else. Enjoy the time away, just don't give up running completely.
    And definitely do not listen to anyone who says you're not a runner or shouldn't be running (including yourself).
    I've been there…injured, feeling sorry for myself, angry, depressed, frustrated, wondering: "Why in the #$%#$ do I do this to myself?" and every other emotion you can imagine.
    But I came back, even stronger than before. Only seven years ago I was overweight and couldn't even run 1/2 mile. Then, just as I lost weight and started getting some real fitness, I got injured and went almost a year without being able to run over 10 miles.
    After all of that, I still can't believe that here I am now running ultramarathons because marathons are too "short." I'm contemplating trying some multi-day adventure runs to challenge myself even more.
    I know you are a runner and you know it too.
    If you weren't a runner- why are you so bummed about the possibility of giving it up?
    "Normal" people who are not runners would not have any problem at all giving up running and returning to couch potato-hood. I've seen it happen. You are not one of them.
    You ARE a runner… yes, you are.

  4. I have not really ran since Late September. I can't actually walk without some degree of pain. I suppose having the surgery wouldn't be so bad, I just am not a big fan of surgery as an option, but rest is not curing my overactive bone growth…

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