Well, I did not get healed.
Monday night I took an intense spin class and Tuesday morning I ran 1.3 miles.
All day long Tuesday, my low low back was on fire. I had symptoms starting in my left side which was new, and problems with my right. I felt the rubber bands closing in intensely on my right foot and toes. I knew that this was a problem. I do not know if it was the increased activity or if it was just time for all the steroids from the epidural to completely wear off. Either way it’s fine. If I can’t take a Spin class or run a few miles without shutting my life down, then that is a sign…
Tuesday evening I went for my repeat MRI. It really sucked. I had to endure the “small bore” machine which is even smaller and more narrow than the normal MRI. I act as if it was some sort of torture. I was obviously comfy enough. Half way through I fell asleep and unfortunately awoke with a bit of jerk to all limbs when the noise changed. Had to redo that part. The small bore is a good thing because it gives the best images out there. The Open MRI’s just don’t do as good a job. So, it was a good thing to get it done in that machine, but I won’t lie, I felt a bit “enclosed” for the first 10 minutes, then I got over that, and fell asleep.
Wednesday I was feeling better than Tuesday but I was still having issues. On Wednesday afternoon, I spoke with the Surgery Scheduler for my Surgeon. She confirmed that the new MRI showed that the disc had extruded more and appeared unstable. I was glad she had not cancelled the scheduled date. I’m especially glad because over the past few days my condition continues to deteriorate. In hindsight, I think I did get immense relief from the steroids and they are now wearing off rapidly and entirely.
Yes, I was not healed by Jesus or anyone else for that matter. I don’t think Jesus loves me any less. I do wish he would have healed me, but I don’t know…I suppose it isn’t part of the plan. Am I sad?
Devastated. (Not about Jesus, more about the not healed part)
But I am also a pragmatist. As soon as she told me the news, I knew that I had to be the adult and take action. I filed a request for medical leave. I spoke to my supervisor, and got my FMLA forms filed. I got home on Wednesday night and I admit, I shed a few tears. Not only is this injury debilitating, now I am facing surgery, uncertain time off, (unprotected by FMLA due to the new job), new expenses, and an uncertain outcome.
Then I went to see my Coach. He hasn’t been coaching me since the injury (obviously). We have had a few email exchanges. As time passed our interactions had become less and less, and I am feeling Ok with that. I mean what really was there for us to email or talk about. I updated him and he was very casual. Saying, Well it’s about time. Though he seemed surprised that the date- February 2- was coming up Right around the corner. Then he said, “Good Luck with the Surgery”. No, let me know, keep me updated, nothing, just Good Luck. I don’t think we will be doing any more coaching after this. He was sufficiently freaked out by the injury which came out of nowhere. In addition, he has his new family, and what not.
I don’t feel good about that, but at the same time, I feel a strange feeling of relief, that I am not going to continue in the same way after….Almost like I can do something different, look elsewhere, grow a bit more. At the same time I feel very very sad, because I will miss him. It was sort of a slap in the face when I think too much on it, so I try not to dwell on it.
On the way out Iron Man Dave, who has a horrific back, stopped and chatted with me. He was very encouraging without being sugary. I live in a great community. People have been great about reaching out and oddly because of this specific injury I’ve made some new friends and solidified some old ones. So yes there is always a silver lining when one feels a bit like Job.
This is all happening super fast and soon now. I am terrified….I feel sort of alone in the middle of a big ocean, but really…when I look realistically, I am surrounded by lots of fishies who are wonderful….not always the ones I expected, but some pretty great ones.