Misery…Surgery

Well,  I did not get healed.

Monday night I took an intense spin class and Tuesday morning I ran 1.3 miles.

All day long Tuesday, my low low back was on fire.  I had symptoms starting in my left side which was new, and problems with my right.  I felt the rubber bands closing in intensely on my right foot and toes.  I knew that this was a problem. I do not know if it was the increased activity or if it was just time for all the steroids from the epidural to completely wear off.  Either way it’s fine.  If I can’t take a Spin class or run a few miles without shutting my life down, then that is a sign…

Tuesday evening I went for my repeat MRI.  It really sucked. I had to endure the “small bore” machine which is even smaller and more narrow than the normal MRI.  I act as if it was some sort of torture.  I was obviously comfy enough. Half way through I fell asleep and unfortunately awoke with a bit of jerk to all limbs when the noise changed.  Had to redo that part. The small bore is a good thing because it gives the best images out there.  The Open MRI’s just don’t do as good a job.  So, it was a good thing to get it done in that machine, but I won’t lie, I felt a bit “enclosed” for the first 10 minutes, then I got over that, and fell asleep.

Wednesday I was feeling better than Tuesday but I was still having issues.  On Wednesday afternoon, I spoke with the Surgery Scheduler for my Surgeon.  She confirmed that the new MRI showed that the disc had extruded more and appeared unstable. I was glad she had not cancelled the scheduled date. I’m especially glad because over the past few days my condition continues to deteriorate.  In hindsight, I think I did get immense relief from the steroids and they are now wearing off rapidly and entirely.

Yes, I was not healed by Jesus or anyone else for that matter.   I don’t think Jesus loves me any less.  I do wish he would have healed me, but I don’t know…I suppose it isn’t part of the plan.  Am I sad?

Devastated. (Not about Jesus, more about the not healed part)

nicoleridgwell_devastation_-1

But I am also a pragmatist.  As soon as she told me the news, I knew that I had to be the adult and take action.  I filed a request for medical leave. I spoke to my supervisor, and got my FMLA forms filed.  I got home on Wednesday night and I admit, I shed a few tears.  Not only is this injury debilitating, now I am facing surgery, uncertain time off, (unprotected by FMLA due to the new job), new expenses, and an uncertain outcome.

Then I went to see my Coach.  He hasn’t been coaching me since the injury (obviously).  We have had a few email exchanges.  As time passed our interactions had become less and less, and I am feeling Ok with that.  I mean what really was there for us to email or talk about.   I updated him and he was very casual.  Saying, Well it’s about time. Though he seemed surprised that the date- February 2- was coming up Right around the corner. Then he said, “Good Luck with the Surgery”.  No, let me know, keep me updated, nothing, just Good Luck. I don’t think we will be doing any more coaching after this.  He was sufficiently freaked out by the injury which came out of nowhere. In addition, he has his new family, and what not.

I don’t feel good about that, but at the same time, I feel a strange feeling of relief, that I am not going to continue in the same way after….Almost like I can do something different, look elsewhere, grow a bit more.  At the same time I feel very very sad, because I will miss him.  It was sort of a slap in the face when I think too much on it, so I try not to dwell on it.

On the way out Iron Man Dave, who has a horrific back, stopped and chatted with me.  He was very encouraging without being sugary. I live in a great community.  People have been great about reaching out and oddly because of this specific injury I’ve made some new friends and solidified some old ones.  So yes there is always a silver lining when one feels a bit like Job.

This is all happening super fast and soon now.  I am terrified….I feel sort of alone in the middle of a big ocean, but really…when I look realistically, I am surrounded by lots of fishies who are wonderful….not always the ones I expected, but some pretty great ones.

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6 thoughts on “Misery…Surgery

  1. I won’t leave a “Like” here because I know how painful it is to have a life-changing event where you have to let go of things you cherished or thought defined you as a person. I’m so sorry your condition didn’t get better with time. Sometimes it hurts the worst when you hoped that things were improving on their own, and it turns out they really weren’t.

    Coach…he’s human, and I suppose he doesn’t know how to deal with a client who can’t run. It’s too bad he can’t be a little more generous with his support. Could it be he’s a little afraid you might sue him or blame him for your injury?

    Anyway, I’ll be here, waiting to be updated, and I hope to hear good news soon. 🙂 In the meantime, ((hugs)) and good thoughts go with you!

    • No, he isn’t worried I’d sure him or blame him. We know each other too well for that. He is just being not the most mature human on the planet, something we’ve all been from time to time. I’m OK with the situation. When it occurred, I was told by 2 surgeons that this was a surgical repair only, so when it didn’t improve it wasn’t a total surprise. I was hoping, but no….

  2. Oh you poor dear. Do you have someone to come and stay with you during and after the surgery? I will be thinking of you.

    And yes find a new trainer, he is not very personal for a personal trainer.

  3. Though I don’t comment often, I do read your blog posts. I can understand your feeling of being freaked out; the surgery is the beginning of a new time for you. Not being in your situation, it’s easy to say you’ll be okay, but I have faith you will. Please update us!

  4. Surgery is scary Holly, as is uncertainty about the future post surgery. I’ve tried not to think about it too much and my goals are simple. I just want to lead as much of a normal life as I can. I realize that I want to be active but realistic enough to know that my spine is ultra fragile and I must handle with care.
    Don’t worry about the time off at work, it all somehow works out. 11 years ago I surgery for uterine cancer… I missed 7 weeks of work. At the time I was a single parent of a 16 year old living paycheck to paycheck. Somehow we got by. Life throws some nasty curve balls & we learn to roll with the punches. Lean on your friends, they are willing to help. When all this is over, time to coach shop again…. Hugs.

  5. I “liked” the upbeat part. Rolling with the punches. Sometimes life is nothing but punches. It’s those times when you can still stay as upbeat as possible that it really helps get you through. A friend had to have two back surgeries, but they put her completely right and she was very far from right before the surgeries.
    Best wishes!

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